Letting Go
by okaykay
Summary: Pain. Misery. Suicidal thoughts. After Augustus dies Hazel becomes numb to the world. She must decide whether to try and recreate her own little infinity or give up on life all together.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! This is my first story, comments are appreciated!**

**Listen to Say Something by A Great Big World during this chapter. It really fits.**

**Also, sorry about how short it is, future chapters will be longer!**

**This story takes place after Augustus has died and Hazel is just reading the letter from him, so enjoy my lovelies!**

**Okay?**

**Kay.**

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**Chapter One**

Another tear ran down my cheek as I read the letter one more time. I sniffed and wiped my eye. I couldn't cry, not in front of his parents. I hugged his mom and excused myself, wanting to get home as soon as possible.

Hours, days passed. They would come and go with slit wrists, tears shed into pillows and the occasional overdose on medication. Nothing was worth living for, I reminded myself. Augustus was dead. I knew we had limited time but I didn't think it would be this limited.

It was one of those nights, the kind where you had already wet your pillow and there were no more tears. I couldn't sleep, but I just couldn't be with my thoughts right now. So I did what I always do on these kind of nights. I padded to the bathroom, trying not to creak the floorboards. My razor was where it always was, open and inviting. The one thing that took away the pain for a little while. I sat there on the floor, tears rushing down my face, blood rushing down my arm. My vision started getting a little fuzzy and as I looked down and felt the dull ache in my arm, I realized I had cut too deep.

I had stopped crying for good, but I still could hear my pathetic whimpers echoing off the bathroom walls, taunting me. It would be really easy to do it now, I thought, to just die. If I lay here for another day I would probably be dead with the amount of blood I was losing.

I put my head on the floor, set down the razor blade and lay there to wait, but I found myself drifting off, dreaming about the times before Augustus, when I never thought it would come to this.

-LINEBREAK-

"Hazel?" I awoke to a deep voice and knocking on the door. Shit, I tried to clean up the blood so the floor wouldn't be sticky.

"Come in," I called back in a shaky voice. The door slowly opened and Isaac walked in, feeling the wall for support.

"Are you alright?" He asked, "I haven't seen you in forever." I winced, his words reminding me of Augustus.

"M'fine," I mumbled, "How about you?"

"Depressed, to be honest," he replied. I nodded but then remembered that he couldn't see so I mumbled in agreement.

He sniffed and thought for awhile. I tensed, noticing how close his foot was to the blade laying on the floor. I kicked it out of the way.

"Do you smell blood?" Isaac spoke suddenly.

"Nope," I lied, looking down at the five blood-soaked towels on the floor, not to mention the the toilet water, from which blood had dripped into. Oops.

Isaac grabbed my wrist and I flinched as his hand brushed over the raw skin.

A look of worry crossed his face, "C'mon I have somewhere to take you."


	2. Chapter 2

Isaac had dragged me out all the way to his car, although he needed me to guide him most of the way. His mom sat in the driver's seat.

"Hi, Hazel. How are you holding up, sweetie?" she asked.

"I'm fine, I guess." I felt kind of bad for not being honest with her, but when your boyfriend had just died, I think you have a right.

I turned to Isaac, "So, where are we going?"

The corners of his lips turned up into a half smile. "Its a surprise,"

I smiled and turned back to look out the window. We drove for about 15 minutes in silence until we pulled up next to a coffee shop.

"Isaac, we're here," his mom said, "Would you like me to help you walk in?"

"No thanks, mom. Hazel's got it," he flashed a smile in my general direction. I opened my door and then walked over to the other side to help Isaac. We waved goodbye to his mom and she drove off.

"So now what?" I asked Isaac. I wasn't really in the mood for doing anything but I hadn't seen any of my friends and I figured I needed to make it up to them. After all, they were sad too. Just not as sad as me, I reminded myself. I was to the point beyond depression. I knew that if I was given a gun, I would shoot myself on the spot. Although, I did have other options. I had ropes and pills and knives, but I hadn't done it yet. Augustus wouldn't have wanted me to do it. I knew that, but yet I couldn't stand living without him. But yet here I still was, alive.

Isaac snapped me out of my thoughts, "There should be a coffee shop on this corner right here," he told me, "Just go inside and there should be a small group of people waiting for us in the back table."

"Oh Lord, what have you dragged us into this time?" I said, half joking. To be completely honest, I was nervous. I didn't want to face people. I didn't want their sympathetic looks and whispers as I walked by them. I was over that. I didn't like people anymore, I decided. I only liked Isaac. And Augustus. I pushed away my doubts and walked inside, Isaac in tow. I headed to the back table just like Isaac said and sure enough, there was a group of people.

"Hi, my name's Hazel," I introduced myself. I was about to introduce Isaac when one of the women at the table started talking.

"Ahh, Hazel, we've heard many wonderful things about you, its so nice to finally meet you!" She greeted me with a warm smile. "Isaac said you were interested in joining our group!"

At that moment, Isaac's hand squeezed mine, and although he didn't say anything, I could tell it was a silent plea to go along with it.

I paused and then nodded, "Yes, I've heard good things about you too. I just didn't expect my first meeting to be so early!" I added a hint of sarcasm in my voice so that only Isaac would pick up on it.

"Well, why don't you two have a seat and we can get to know each other?"

I nodded and lead Isaac toward one of the chairs, dragging my oxygen tank behind me. Boy, were we a mess.

When we had gotten all situated, everybody went around the table and introduced themselves. They told their stories and most of them were of struggles and depression.

"So, as you know, this program is designed to take away all of the depression issues that you are currently having. In order to do this, we need to become allies and help each other. So would you two like to share your stories with the group now?"

As soon as I heard those words, I felt my face turn red. Isaac had set me up for this. He had betrayed me. He knew how I felt about these kind of groups. I could fight depression on my own. I just needed time. I dropped his hand and for the first time ever, I felt like slapping him.

I thought back about what I had been thinking before we walked in here, I had trusted him. I didn't like him anymore, I liked Augustus. But Augustus was dead. I needed to remember that. Now all I had was myself.

Hey guys :) So its been FOREVER since I updated so even though this is short and probably not that good, its something. Anyway, I'm hoping to be updating more frequently. I've gotten some really nice messages and they make me smile so thank you! Hope you like it

x Soph x

P.S. Next chapter will be longer, I promise!


	3. Chapter 3

"Um, yes, Isaac did sign me up for this, but I was just wondering if you could give us a minute...to discuss," I forced a smile back onto my face. The group leader, who I found out was named Megan, nodded. I grabbed Isaac's hand and lead him through the maze of chairs, my oxygen tank bumping up against the legs of people. Once we got outside I just stood and looked at him, as he stared back guiltily.

"What the actual fuck?!" I asked him. He bent his head even lower and then shrugged his shoulders.

"Hazel, I know the signs of depression. I know you've been cutting. I care about you so much, you are one of my best friends and I can't let you suffer like this. I know you don't agree with what I did, but you wouldn't have gone along with it if I had told you where we were going."

"You made me look like a complete idiot in there and especially in front of your mom! I bet she thinks I'm some deluded suicidal freak. You know how I feel about this yet you deliberately went behind my back!"

"Yes, and I'm sorry, but Hazel, I'm sad too, and I'm willing to admit that I need this group. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I'll make you a deal. You do two weeks of group, and if you don't like it, you can quit and we won't mention this to anybody. If you do like it, or find it helping you at all, then you continue to come to meetings and we still won't mention it to anybody."

I snorted. I wasn't going to forgive him. He could have at least confronted me. I don't even really know what it was about coming clean about how sad I really was feeling. I didn't want anyone to know that a death could effect me this much. I guess ever since Gus had died, it had been hard for me to trust. I knew it was awful, but I felt angry at him, for dying on me. It sounded so selfish, but I had poured my heart into him, given him everything I had to offer and then just like that, he left. I knew it wasn't his fault, but I couldn't help but feel just a little bit mad.

"Isaac, I appreciate the thought, but it's not going to happen. I've only cut once," I winced as the lie rolled off of my tongue. But he was blind and what he couldn't see wouldn't hurt him. "I will win this fight on my own and I will be fine. In a year I probably won't even remember who Augustus was,"

Now it was Isaac's turn to snort at me. It was obvious that I wouldn't get over him that quickly and we both knew it. He started to say something but I cut him off and started walking towards the road, trying to get away from him. I had crossed the street when I looked back, and there he was talking to himself. Shit. He was blind. I ran back across the street, grabbed his hand, and then dialed his mom. He went on talking about what a good idea the group is. I just ignored him.

Its hard to make a point to someone when they are blind and you are in charge of making sure they get home.

His mom pulled up next to the curb within the next five minutes and helped me get Isaac into the car.

"So, how did the group go?" his mom said, trying to make conversation. I was about to answer her when Isaac spoke up.

"Um, turns out we made a mistake. They are meeting at the coffee shop downtown instead of this one. Hazel and I decided we didn't really need it anyway. I mean, we've got each other, we'll be fine," he reassured her. I could hear the fake tone in his voice and knew that his mom would catch on.

His mom gave him a light smile and said, "I'm sure you will," but she met my eyes in the mirror and gave me a worried look. I moved my eyes down to the ground before she could say anything.

We arrived at my house and I got out of the car quickly. I needed a break. From everything. I had been with people for the first time in a week and it was already too much to handle. Every little thing reminded me of Augustus. I hated it. In a way, I hated him, too. He made me sad and he kind of just left me.

I sat down and fell back into my daily routine of staring at the wall. I heard a knock on the door.

"Hazel?" my mom popped her head in, "Where were you this morning, honey? You were gone when we woke up,"

"I went out with Isaac," I mumbled.

"How did it go?"

"It wasn't the best,"

Just then my dad walked into the room, a grim expression on his face.

"Hazel, we need to have a conversation,"

I swallowed. This was never good. My dad pulled a razor out from behind his back. It was my razor. My cutting razor. I looked down at the ground. I was so stupid. In all my rush this morning, I hadn't even bothered to clean up the mess I had made in the bathroom last night. I was busted. My dad stared at me for a long time until a single tear made it's way out of his eye and down his cheek. My mom started crying too and went over to hug me. My dad spoke first.

"Hazel...I-I just don't know what to say. I know that you are going through a very hard time right now and I don't blame you one bit, but-did you really think that you would get anywhere by hurting yourself like this?" he paused, wiping another tear from his eyes and then let out a deep breath.

"We love you so much, you are our world, Hazel Grace Lancaster. I-I just…I don't know what I'd ever do I lost you," he stopped and let out a sob. I was crying now too. Tears of anger and hatred mixed with love and sadness. I didn't need their sympathy. But it felt sort of nice to hear all of this. I hadn't heard anyone say this in long time. I felt good to know that if I ever died, that I could leave destruction in my path too, that I would be missed, just like Augustus.

My mom cut in, "Hazel, you are the most beautiful, kind, brave young woman I know," she paused to push a strand of hair off my forehead, "Please don't do this to yourself. So many people love you; your father and I, Isaac, Kaitlyn, Patrick and so many more I can't even begin to list. We are here for you,"

I sniffed and wiped another tear from my face, "I really appreciate this all and your intentions, but I think I just need to get out of the house for a little while. I'm going to take a walk."

I saw my mom stand up and start to help me with my oxygen tank. "I've got it, I just want to be alone right now," I told her. When I noticed the hurt expression on her face, I added, "But thank you,"

I grabbed my oxygen tank, walked out of the house, leaving my crying parents behind me.

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Hi lovelies!

So I realize I'm really bad at posting long chapters, but as promised, this one is just a tiny bit longer and hopefully I will have time to update more frequently.

Again, I love receiving messages from you guys so please keep favoriting and giving me feedback!

I'm so excited for the movie!

Anyway, big plans for the story so keep hanging on. I don't have a TFIOS blog, but if you want to follow me on tumblr, you can here and I will follow back:

.com

Okay?

Kay.


	4. Chapter 4

I strutted down the sidewalk as best as I could, my oxygen tank occasionally catching on the cracks in the sidewalk. Two blocks of tripping over my own feet later, I arrived at my fountain. This was the place where I used to come all the time. I had forgotten about it since now. I hadn't been here since my diagnosis.

I used to come here all by myself and I felt like such a grown up because I could finally walk somewhere alone. I pulled off my ratty gym shoes and socks and slipped my sore feet into the cold water, sitting on the edge of the fountain. I laughed to myself. Here I was, 3 years later, all grown up to the point where I would deliberately hurt myself. To the point where I understood everything that had happened to Gus, and to the point where I had considered taking my own life just because someone I loved had left me.

My toes brushed against some coins resting at the bottom. I looked around, just taking in the view. And then I remembered my angel. The statue in the middle of the fountain used to be my best friend. We would have conversations all the time. She was the one person who would listen to me without interrupting. I double-checked that no one was around and then I spoke.

"Um, hi," my voice was shaky. The angel stared back at me.

"I haven't seen you in a while, but I-I fell in love for the first time. His name was Augustus. And…well-he-he isn't with us anymore," I started to cry. "He was the most wonderful, caring person that could ever exist. And I'm sure you would have loved him. I wish I could have brought him here." The angel kept on looking at me. I was definitely crazy. I was 16 years old and here I was talking to a statue. And yet, it really helped. Just to spill everything out to something that wouldn't give me glares or constantly feel sympathetic or judge me. It was nice to spend time with someone-something that could just sit with me.

"So…I'm having a really hard time dealing with it. And I'm having an even harder time admitting that I can't deal with it by myself," I stopped and just sat there thinking. My body racking with sobs. My tear-streaked face held in my hands.

I sat like that until I was interrupted by a splash in the water next to me. I jumped and sat up, trying to wipe at my face and get the remnants of any tears off of it. Two feet had plunked down in the water next to mine and my eyes trailed up past the legs and the torso until I met the eyes of a young guy, probably my age.

"Are you okay?" he asked in a worried tone, "I mean, you look pretty bad. Do you want to talk?"

I snorted, "I hardly know you, why would I want to talk?"

"Exactly. You hardly know me, so I won't be able to judge you or your life. You don't even have to tell me your name."

"Well, I obviously have lung cancer. My boyfriend just died of cancer. And everyone is acting sympathetic towards me and worrying about my cancer. And-I'm so sick of cancer controlling my life. I'm also depressed and everything just sort of sucks right now," I told him. Well that sure came out fast. I hadn't really meant to spill everything, but at least I wasn't talking to a statue.

"Well, my girlfriend just broke up with me," he offered. I appreciated that he was trying to change the topic and that he hadn't given me any sympathy.

"I'm sorry that happened," I replied. He nodded, "Me too. And I'm sorry about your boyfriend but I'm not going to give you any sympathy," he flashed me a wide grin and I smiled back. His teeth were perfect, I couldn't help but notice. His smile was just plain beautiful.

He broke the silence, "Hey, do you have a phone on you? Because mine seems to have died."

"Yeah, here you go," I pulled out my phone and handed it to him. Waiting as he punched in some numbers on the keypad. Soon,_ his_ phone started to ring and he picked it up. My eyebrows furrowed, confused. He soon hung up both phones and handed mine back to me.

"Well, now that we have each other's numbers, I would love to talk again sometime, because I really enjoyed this little conversation we had here."

I rolled my eyes. I was so stupid how had I not seen this coming. The guy stood up and put his shoes back on.

"I'm afraid I have to leave now," he told me. He started walking away and then turned back around again, "And by the way, my name's Sebastian," he gave me a playful wink and then continued walking.

I hadn't wanted _that_ to happen. It was just weird that I had actually found someone physically attractive since Augustus had died. But what was the harm. He was no Augustus and I'm sure Gus would not want my social life to be a complete disaster. I laughed at the irony. Maybe this Sebastian guy could really help me. And with that, I pulled my feet out of the fountain and made my way back home.

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Hi guys!

I know that chapter was a bit rushed and not the best, but I will be updating again soon and hopefully that will be better.

I also know that this story contains a lot of angst and so there will be some fluff coming for those of you that like that kind of thing :)

Let me know what you all think of Sebastian and please keep favoriting and following!

Also if you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm always here and I want each and everyone of you to know that you are amazing and worth it.

Okay?

Kay.


	5. Chapter 5

About three days later, as I was scrolling through my phone, I remembered Sebastian. Would it be weird if I gave him a call? It had been so nice to talk to someone besides Isaac and Kelsey. Someone that didn't know my background or my family.

So I did. I called him. I bit my lip as I listened to the rings. 5 seconds later, he picked up.

"Well, well, well...I had a feeling you would call."

Ugh, that was obnoxious. Maybe I shouldn't have called after all.

"Um...hi. I was wondering if we could maybe meet up? Just to like, you know, talk?"

"Sounds great! What about that fountain in 15 minutes?"

I hesitated. I didn't want that to become our place...I wanted to keep it my place and not have anyone know how much it meant to me.

"Well, what about Sainsbury's Cafe instead?"

"Sure! See you soon."

I hung up first. Something about this felt gross to me. I wasn't sure whether it was the fact that I was seeing another guy besides Isaac or if it were the vibes that I got from Sebastian himself. I didn't know what to do but as much as I didn't want to admit it to anyone, talking helped. It didn't even have to be about Augustus himself, but just about life in general. Even though no one had as many creative and philosophical thoughts as Augustus did, it still felt nice to talk about the stuff that we would probably have talked about if he were still alive.

I looked through my closet. What to wear, what to wear. I wasn't exactly trying to impress Sebastian, but I decided it wouldn't hurt if I tried to look presentable. I flicked through clothes, a small pang went through my chest when I saw the sundress that I had worn at Oranjee with Augustus.

He had made me feel so beautiful, like I was the only person in the world that mattered. I smiled to myself and blinked back a tear.

I combed my hair back. It was just longer than a pixie cut and it was impossible to do anything with. I brushed some mascara on my upper eyelashes and then put on some clear lip gloss.

I put on my strappy sandals and grabbed my purse and my cart and headed out the door, calling a goodbye to my parents.

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GUYS I'M SO FUCKING SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN FOREVER AND THIS IS SO SHORT BUT I NEEDED TO GET SOMETHING UP.

I'm so busy with school right now and so it might be a little while until I can update regularly again.

Okay?

Kay.


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